In honor of the first day of summer, I have complicated a top ten list of summer survival tips.
Drunk Abby’s top 10 Summer Survival Tips:
- Sun is nature’s make up. Ditch the sunscreen and go natural.*
- Unless you are Irish. Then use SPF 100 and stay indoors.
- Mosquitos are allergic to vodka.
- Don’t leave your friends in a hot car.
- Bloody Marys and Daiquiris contain lots of fruits & vegetables.
- Fruits and vegetables = antioxidation.
- Keep napkins in your purse during festival season.
- Exercise is key. Walk to the bar.
- Belly flops in a swimming pool are hilarious.*
* I need to disclaim, that I am not responsible for any negative results that my advice may lead to. (My lawyers insisted I post this. Whatev!)
Dear Drunk Abby:
My life is hard cause everybody’s either an expert, know it all or an asshole! SO TELL ME DRUNK ABBY KNOW ANY HIT MEN?
Dear Asking For A Friend:
Opinions are like assholes. Everybody is one. I sympathize with your pain. However, if we put a hit out on every “know it all” in the world, there would be half as many people left. While that is a good idea in theory, it would make it easier for the police to find you. Trust me. Jail is no fun. Prison Bitches be trippin’.
There are two kinds of people in the world: talkers and doers. You seem like a doer to me. So, you do you, and eventually the talkers will run out of listeners. Hope that helps. Thanks for your inquiry!
Dear Drunk Abby:
My solid neighbor likes to lift me by my ponytail. How can I get him to stop?
– Hurts When I Wiggle And Scream
Dear Hurts When I Wiggle And Scream:
Do you own a pair of really sharp scissors? I would keep them on hand in case it happens again. That way you have a weapon. Also, and only in an emergency, you can cut your hair and free yourself. I hope this helps.
Dear Drunk Abby:
I’ve felt as though my back needs to pop for a few
weeks now, but I can’t get anyone to step on it. I’ve tried every man or of stretching known to man. What should I do?
Dear Minor Back Pain:
First of all, Prayers. Also do you have access to Vicodin? If so PM me your number cause I’m out. If not I recommend lots of Jägermeister and a heating pad. Also avoid GMOs. They are bad for you. Hope that helps.
Hi! I’m Abby! And this is my new blog. I’m here to listen to you’re feelings and give you no nonsense life advice. Just think of me as your digital life coach. OK? My name being similar to other Abby’s is purely coincidental and also where I got this idea from.
Warning! I tell it like it is! If you can’t handle the truth, or get butt hurt easily, turn your mouse around and click elsewhere. I’m not here to sugarcoat your feelings. I’m here to help fix your life. I like to give life advice while enjoying alcoholic beverages because it helps me to think more clearly. My lawyers have informed me that I need to disclaim, that I am not responsible for any negative results that my advice may lead to. I told them I don’t need to say all that crap, cause I know what I’m doing, but they strongly advised me to post this anyways. Whatever! So be sure and check out the comment form to submit your inquiry. I reserve the right to publish any and all inquiries, or reject the ones that are really stupid. Please don’t use your real name if you don’t want to be embarrassed. Clever nicknames are always fun. Thank you! – D. A.